My Current Trauma:

 Estrangement of my Adult Child Exacerbated and Enabled by my Mother

Image by Kris Kurn from Pixabay

Text Messages

Me: I’m in a blizzard.

Mom: Wait 30 days to talk to your child. That’s what her therapist said.

Me: My half-brother died.

Mom: Wait.

Me: I’m so depressed (from this estrangement and feeling unloved/uncared for) that I am having suicidal thoughts.  

Mom: Wait.

She didn’t check on my safety. She didn’t give condolences. She didn’t call me, though she called the cops on me to do a welfare check (and clear her conscious.)

Me: I’m not ok. This is not ok. (She was my world.)

Mom: It’s between you two. I am doing the best I can for both of you.

Me: You are standing between me and my daughter. It’s killing me. My blood pressure is sky high to stroke level and I’m have panic attacks.

Mom: I love you.

Me: I don’t feel loved at all.

Mom: Ok.

Earlier Verbal Conversation

Me: If she needs to come back to stay with me for a bit because of heat induced asthma, she is welcome. I’m worried about her.

Step-Father: She will get over it.

Me: This is hard to say but you saying she will get over it hurt my feelings.

Step-Father: Yeah, your mom told me and that’s Bull Shit.

My daughter’s lung collapsed at 3 years old followed by so many heat induced episodes that we ultimately settled where she was healthiest (in the north). She is currently back south living with my parents.  

After being told my feelings were bullshit and before the 30 days prescription of no contact:

My mother and daughter were supposed to come see my new house, 1st time home owner. I had been maintaining 2 vehicles while my daughter was visiting down south. She was going to fly in and drive her car back south. Because 1 car was bought and made for south and other was bought and made for north, I told her I wanted to keep the vehicle that was safer for me in northern conditions especially as I couldn’t get up my driveway with southern vehicle when icy. Because I stood by this decision, she decided she would not get any car, not visit, not get her dog, not get her stuff, not see my new house, and not talk to me. During the visit we also had front row tickets to see Elton John. She forfeited that and her plane ticket. My parents got her a new dog in a week and a new car in 2 weeks. My sister-in-law said “you were thinking about your safety but what about them?”

It has been 4 months since I’ve heard my daughter’s voice. All attempts at communication have made the situation worse so there is no communication at this time. I only receive lists of grievances which gets longer when I try to explain my experiences. The most common and appropriate advice I receive is to wait. Waiting is hard and it hurts. I grieve the relationship every single day.

Image by Ulrike Mai from Pixabay

This is a sad place to be in as a parent.

While it’s common to be estranged from an 18 year old child as they establish independence, it’s not so common for family members to assist. It does happen though. Has this happened to you too? Please comment thoughts of support and encouragement for other parents of estranged adult children.  

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